gardening pjhoto
Metro Creative

The following questions are taken from among the 1,001 fiendishly-hard gardening questions to be found in my forthcoming bestseller, “This Horticultural Stuff is Really Hard.”

This is an open book test. Google until your fingers fall off. Ask the audience. Call your mother. I will even provide subtle hints along the way.

Clarence Schmidt
Clarence Schmidt

If failure really could be an option, consider taking up duct tape art or competitive day dreaming.

1. What is a secateur?

A. Wow, this test is going to be hard. (Right comment, wrong answer.)

B. A mathematical term derived from the quadratic equation divided by pi to the 2nd power with a tangent sine over cosine … oh, just forget it, it’s not the right answer anyway.

C. Half-human, half-horse creature in Greek mythology. (Negatory, that’s a centaur.)

D. A type of hand pruning shears used for cutting the branches of trees and shrubs. They have a spring between the handles which causes the blades to open.

2. What does “N-P-K” stand for?

A. My brother’s Gmail password. BTW, his sign-on is “MrPotatoHead.”

B. A 1967 model of the Jaguar. (Nope, you’re thinking of the XKE.)

C. A new seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

D. Nitrogen (chemical symbol N), phosphorus (P) and potassium (K). Fertilizers show their nutrient content with these three numbers on the package. Nitrogen helps plant foliage to grow strong. Phosphorous helps roots and flowers develop. Potassium (Potash) is important for overall plant health. Of course, nutrients and elements such as sulfur, hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, magnesium, copper, cobalt, sodium, boron, molybdenum and zinc are also important to plant growth.

3. Which of the following are relatives of the rose family?

A. I’ve never met them so I have no idea who the Rose family is.

B. The Tibetan Sand Fox. Pink Fairy…