call me maybe

On Monday, President Donald Trump called up James Eskridge, mayor of Tangier Island in the Chesapeake Bay. The ocean is lapping up 16 feet of the island’s coastline a year.

But Trump told Eskridge not to worry about it. “Your island has been there for hundreds of years, and I believe your island will be there for hundreds more,” the president reportedly said, according to the Delmarva Daily Times of Maryland.

So who will Trump call next? Let’s think:

  • New York Mayor Bill deBlasio: “You know what I’ve always said about America’s greatest city, my hometown? It’s fine, but it needs more yacht channels. Fifth Avenue, now wouldn’t that make — you know, we almost made it happen with Sandy, but let’s try harder next time.”
  • Miami Mayor Tomás Regalado: “Florida needs more Keys, anyway. Big, beautiful Keys!”
  • Atlantic City Mayor Don Guardian: “Make America Great Again. Other countries, China, they settle for fun-size tides. In America, we do king tides!”
  • Texas Governor Greg Abbott: “Unbearable heatwaves? As I wrote in Art of the Deal, you’re not thinking positively enough. Incredible