Back to the Roots

Owning a fish is an exercise in mental fortitude. You might think your little underwater friend will bring tranquility to your life, that you will experience the joy of pet ownership without the commitment or mess.

Wrong. To own a fish is to experience a near-constant anxiety crisis. You will find yourself checking approximately 100 times a day to see if your fish is dead, wondering if it might be happier with a castle or perhaps a plastic pineapple, and realizing that its life in that waterlogged box is both very depressing and a very good reminder of your own mortality. You will find yourself Googling things like, “Fish pacing back and forth in tank” or “Can fish love?” and not feeling at all good about the answers you find.

If you really must…